Where To Find Happiness

Happiness is not found by demanding that your body changes, it is also not found by demanding that your mind changes.

I have been stuck, stuck within the heaviness of my thoughts for what seems like an eternity now and I have in fact, found myself demanding change and willing happiness to blossom as I click my fingers in vain. As if it were ever that simple. There have been periods of my life where joy has felt distant, but never quite like this. My mind is blurred, motivation is non existent and I find myself leaning into the ever comforting notion that isolation is the only way forward and that no one could possible understand… what a cliche, woe is me moment.

Could I be wrong?

Yes, obviously.

Because, whilst cutting myself off from the rest of humanity seems like the only plausible way out of my pit of depression, it is actually just making me feel worse (shock). We all know that connection and community are beautiful aids when we face struggles and I have told the people I love most not to isolate when they are fighting the darkest corners of their minds. So maybe this post is a step towards reconnection.

I’ve realised that I'm expecting to just stumble upon happiness, probably because it used to feel so much more available. I would chase the quick high of obsessive exercise, controlling food intake, buying clothes, focusing on how I was presenting myself to the world. It gave me a rush, a purpose that quickly faded and in this moment everything has been stripped back, the relationship with my body has healed, I view exercise as something to be enjoyed rather than to change how I look and I have no money to indulge in my shopping habits. I move my body with love, I meditate, I walk, I push myself to do the hobbies that used to fill me up.

But yet happiness seems so distant.

If it’s not found in changing the external, not found in being alone, not found in forcing the mind to be better, then where?

It’s found within intention.

The mindset behind why you are doing something means everything. I’ve been so focused on creating the feeling of joy that I'm completely bypassing the actual moment that I'm in. How will it make me feel after? What’s the point if it’s not obvious right away?

There’s no foundation to build on because I'm so desperate for the outcome.

Happiness is found within intention. The way you approach your morning cup of coffee, the way you interact with those you love, the welcoming of tears as much as you welcome laughter, not glossing over the insignificant moments because you want the big obvious joy. It’s held in the noticing. I don’t think that it’s a base line we should strive to maintain, but rather feeling into each moment, allowing the momentum of joy to ebb and flow because the more we try to hold it, the more fleeting it seems.

So loosen your hold, observe your intention, notice and allow emotions to flow without attaching to the outcome, without becoming them. Because you are more than the feelings that you experience.