Do It Scared
My body holds quite a bit of fear, sometimes I believe that I received a little too much when traits/emotions were being handed out by the universe.
‘A dash of lover girl energy, a sprinkle of curiosity, a heap of empathy and a whole bucket load of scared.’
I imagine that’s what happened when my consciousness came to be and I have become, dare I say, comfortable with fear being my right hand man. Every yoga class I have taught (Yes even now), every new friendship, every meet up for a coffee, every new experience, every change of routine, I have been a nervous, panic stricken mess. But one thing I won’t do, is let it stop me.
I’ve realised, albeit recently, that my fear has become a little softer. still lingering but not as loudly and I know that what got me to this point was showing up, doing it scared and putting one foot in front of the other even when life felt impossible. The last few years have felt like wading through mud, one heavy lesson after another; my husband having a stroke, not having the best care through his follow ups, having to write up complaints, chase appointments, trips to A & E, meet my own health anxieties that had only been a background character until this point and navigate the normal life of teaching/showing up/existing. Constant reminders to let go of what I couldn’t control, to look my deepest fears right in the eye and whisper ‘okay let’s continue’. Because, honestly if you had told me five years ago what would happen, I would have been convinced that I wouldn’t survive.
We learn on the job right? We meet versions of ourselves that didn't have hope of existing until life comes and smacks us in the face and through this we build resilience, that’s not to say that the scary things are no longer scary, but rather that we can recognise our strength and notice that the one person guiding us through (apart from therapists and dear friends) is ourselves.
Two things I despise that I think is important to mention - The phrase ‘no one is coming to save you’ AND being told I'm brave or strong. why do I hate this? Well, it’s true isn’t it? I don’t want to be told I'm brave, I want to curl into a ball and sob until my heart feels better and yes, there’s space for that but we can’t stay there forever, trust me I tried and as much as people support us, they cannot change the situation or the way we react to the situation, we guide ourselves through every hardship, every fear, every discomfort and through doing that we build new versions of ourselves. We are constantly evolving. That doesn't mean we get it right every time, there’s going to be mistakes and miscommunications.
You do not need to be perfect. More love will come from showing the imperfections than trying to be a perfect entity. You do not need to be free of fear, you just have to keep gently guiding yourself. You do not need to have it all figured out in the first five minutes, you just have to be willing to explore.
Show up scared. Show up with knees trembling, heart fluttering and breathe shallow. Remind yourself of everything you have guided yourself though and will continue to guide yourself through, even when it feels impossible.